From Thomas Friedman: “The jihadists know that if they can defeat America — in the heart of their world — it would influence the whole region.”

Hmm, the domino theory again.

But I feel Friedman on this one. We cannot succumb to the jihadist. And the way to beat him is simple: Use all our steadfastness and resolve to militarily turn Iraq into a democratic utopia. If we don’t, the consequences are dire. The terrorists will “set up shop in Iraq”, and get nuclear weapons from Iran. THEY will then drag their nukes across the Mexican border (the sneaky bastards will be wearing sombreros presumably). And THEY will blow up Los Angeles. After which THEY’ll dance on the Arab Street. THEY’ll hit their women with more vigor. And worst of all, THEY’ll laugh.

THEY. Must. Be. Stopped. But how, but how? Well let me tell you a little something about a thing I’d like to call “Modernization.” See, we just have to introduce the Iraqis to our better way of life (this is best done by sending non-Arabic speaking American kids over there to shoot at arbitrary targets), and wham! Wait. That “wham” was actually an IED explosion (looking at watch, pacing). And wham! Democratic sweeping utopian Constitutional Convention amazingness.

A beacon of light shall flood the sun-bleached dunes of MiddleIranabia. They’ll learn how to be just like us. Just like us, I say! With pigtails and popcorn and “Girls Gone Wild” tapes (can you just imagine the freaky porn these people will come up with?!).

Now, some might argue that taking in refugees would be an effective way of spreading modern Western betterness. Those naïve fools would get us all killed. You see, these people, we want to help them. But we don’t necessarily trust them. They could be THEM. There could be a jihadist in THEIR ranks. We can never really know with these savages. Did I say savages? Oh, I meant the slightly misled people whose plight we’ve worried over from the start. After all, we did this for them. Not ourselves.

Unfortunately, many a granola-munching closet homosexual wants to get in the way. NPR McDoonesberry wants to bitch about how this has gone on longer than World War II, about how there seems to be no real plan. Would ya grow up, people?! That attitude is not the answer. It won’t convince us that we’re winning, and it certainly won’t convince THEM that we’re convincing ourselves that we’re winning. Be serious, you crazy Jane Fondas!

But back to the dire consequences. Oh man, they’re truly awful. If Iraq should descend into chaos, it wouldn’t look like every other third world shit farm we ceased caring about in the post Cold War era. No, no, no, it’d be a painful reminder of how “we lost.” Sure, they would have to deal with the death and all. But the malaise America would suffer through. It boggles the mind how bummed out we’d be about this whole defeat thing. Plus we’d be worried since Iraq would become a terrorist beacon. We don’t know much about terrorism, but we do know that an Iraq loss will mean another terrorist attack from THEM.

So that’s where we find ourselves. If we pull out, THEY will attack us. If we stay, they will adopt our ways and spread democracy throughout “the region.” Just remember, it takes awhile. The American Revolution took years, and it aint perfect (we still have travesties like Social Security and Medicare!). Give Bush more money, please.

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 25th, 2007 at 7:17 am and is filed under Humor, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.