The premise of this op-ed is hilarious. The NYT’s David Brooks laments Rudy’s new anti immigration rants in part because, well, that’s just not “the real Rudy.” The real Giuliani loves immigrants. Hey, what happened to that guy? Oh wait, there he is, sipping messianic rage cocktails with the holy ghost of Pat Robertson.

Brooks has reached the point where I don’t believe he believes himself anymore. RG has consistently proven to be mendacious and hypocritical. That a New York pundit would think Rudy to have any set of core values at this point is, um, I’m racking my brain for the analogy… Okay, it’s like a grizzled New York sports reporter spouting that Isaiah Thomas has always had a cogent managerial philosophy. Brooks has to be aware that Rudy is a political chameleon, one whose core values closely tied him to the mobbed-up Bernie Kerik, and Alan Placa (a priest who may or may not have preached at that weird Church of St. Michael Jackson parish).

But Brooks actually brings up one good point: The right needs Latino votes in future elections. But how will they get them (Operation Get Back Wetback?)? Karl Rove was talking about that challenge on Charlie Rose this week, in between petulantly fuming. Rove’s demeanor conveyed a frustration with his own lack of charisma. The poll shark was too dorky and cold to sway a normally pliable Rose. On many topics Rove seemed to shriek a subtext of, “I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING! WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO JUST BELIEVE IT?”

Anyway, KR spoke about the Latino vote challenge and he said something to the effect of values not stopping at the Rio Grande. So perhaps “values” will be that cross-cultural Republican wedge. Below, I’ve listed slogan/message ideas for the GOP’s ambivalent embrace of the brown vote.

“Getting sent to Guantanamo isn’t the same as getting deported.”

“We like you and we want your vote! Can you also vote your undocumented relatives the fuck out of our sweet Anglican Wal Martville?”

“Just forget Pete Wilson ever existed.”

“Hey Mexicans, turn against your Mexicants…And the blacks. Hate them too while you’re at it.”

“How about we count ya as three fifths? Deal?”

“You are the snake. We are the eagle.”

“Hey, you love family values? So do we! We really value not having to pay your family equal value for valuable labor. And we’ve valued your stay here. But seriously, get the fuck out of this country. We’re not kidding.”

I’ll come up with more on future Mondays. I’m still reeling from the latest chapter in the Norv Turner era. Oh wait, this is going to happen every Monday. Maybe I should just cry before the games actually happen.

The NYT’s Roger Cohen is trying to solve Israel. Good luck, friend! I guess he wants the two sides to come together. This is a shocker since I fully expected another standard “Israelis and Palestinians should kill each other with more enthusiasm” column. Well, RoCo has raised my ire with this quote:

“While the Bush administration looked away, Israelis and Palestinians lost sight of each other. Perhaps, in the end, the only way to stave off hopelessness is to think that at least Annapolis will enable them to commit to seeing each other more.”

Looked away? I hate Bush and all, but this broken rubix cube shouldn’t be our business. Yes, I realize that the conflict has economic/political consequences for John Mellencamp’s country. But haven’t we learned anything from the past few years? We can’t “fix” the world. Some things aren’t fixable. Middle Eastern sectarian violence isn’t a leaking faucet, busted light bulb, or your son’s homosexuality (Electro Shock Bible Camps).

It’s like watching an NFL GM spend all his money/resources on training rats to kick 90-yard field goals. If those field goals somehow boomeranged and killed thousands of people. My point isn’t that this would be preferable to the Norv Turner era (he’ll probably train rats to punt, not kick), or that this analogy sucks. My point is that we need to curb our messianic mission creep. We need to focus on tangible domestic issues, not foreign meddling. I’ll have more on this mentality in the coming days, but for now I feel another cry coming on.

Religion has been losing ground lately, especially with all the bad press circulating.  For the most part, Christians are pedophiles, Muslims are terrorists, and Jews…well they’re just Jews.  

Not surprisingly, many people are finding themselves questioning their religion more and more and as a result, the atheist population is growing. Not until recently, people are making an active attempt to remove themselves from religion. For myself, I left religion because I find its foundation a little weak.  (Not to mention, I get the added weekend time and the removal of guilt.) But there is a bigger reason that I and many others are becoming more adamant about our atheist views, and thats depowering the church.  I’m tired of the pope speaking for me and I’m tired of religious groups dominating politics, even at the world level.  Atheists simply want to see their view represented too, so they’re uniting more than ever.

However, its come to my attention that in the world perspective, maybe being Atheist isn’t such a great idea.  With more power in the hands of a corrupt few these days, everyone fears that radical muslims will be the decider of the future.  And, believe it or not, what do they fear more than christianity?  Atheism.  Apparently, my muslim practicing friends tell me that muslims actually despise people who believe in no god MORE THAN people who “corruptly” believe in the same god.  (My friends tell me this with their guarantee of certainty.  On a scale of not sure to very sure, they unanimously were very sure.  Not the most scientific study, I admit, but I believe them!)

Now, it’s clear where this is headed.  A simple chain of events might look like this: America shifts towards Atheism -> Radical Muslim terrorists hate Atheist America more than they hate Christian America -> Radical Muslim terrorists find access to nukes (probably one of our own missing nukes, or they get it from George Clooney) ->  America nukes Muslim terrorists first (you probably thought it was the other way around, but remember, we belong to a preemptive America that is dedicated to stopping evil-doers) -> Nuclear Warfare escalates -> We go the way of the dinosaur.

So next time you question you’re religion, realize that religion just might be for the greater good.  As for me, I’ll take my chances.

• “Musharraf knows how to crack down against pro-democracy forces, He is, however, unwilling or unable to track down and arrest Osama bin Laden or contain the extremists. This is the reality of Pakistan in November 2007.”

• The devastating words above are Benazir Bhutto’s (too bad she’s currently trapped in the world’s most inescapable house arrest). This drama is at times sickening, confusing, and inspiring. And I wish more Americans would actually pay attention to that which is inherently interesting. Of course, they’d rather talk about (insert cliche American pop cultural thing here). Such is the reality of America in November 2007.

• “Prepare to be bombed back to the Stone Age….And by that I mean, prepare to bullshit your way to a level of postmodern political ridiculousness that would make Henry Kissinger jealous.”

• Hmm, so Pakistan’s government directly funded 9/11. And the leader of that government gets 10 billion American tax dollars. Umm, how was this not the biggest news story of the past decade? Big ups to the 9/11 commission for ignoring the actual 9/11 attribution, by the way.

• At The Village Voice, I had to sift through hours of 9/11 commission footage. So what did I learn? Well, the commission treated the “Honorable” Rudy Giuliani with proper obsequiousness (“Tell me sir, how did you manage to save New York from Godzilla and Rodan?”). The bad news is that this whole Pakistan mess got swept under the Rudy’s dress.

• His tactics might be a little shady, but Musharraf’s heart is in the right place. Pervez is fighting the good fight against the radical Islamists who threaten to topple his regime. That’s why he’s jailing secular lawyers and judges. It’s like cutting off your nose to save your ass. Anyway, the man needs more money.

• Fuck the writer’s strike. Can we have Pervez back on the Daily Show?

• From CNN: U.S. Ambassador to Pakistan Anne Patterson made a similar appeal to Musharraf, warning that such measures were setting back the country’s moves toward democracy.

• Tsk tsk, your brutal reign of terror is getting in the way of important democracy building. Which we care about. A lot. So would you like that cash in singles or twenties? Actually fuck it. Let’s just give you more nukes and see if ya can’t solve the problem that way!

Coming soon…